On self doubt

Oh hey. I have illustrated a children's book! It's called Grandad and the Baby Dolphin, and was written by the very talented Wendy Milner. The book will come out in November this year, and you can find out more (or pre-order a copy) here.

I am simultaneously proud and embarrassed to share these pictures with you.

Self doubt is a funny thing, isn't it. You do your very best and at some level (an important level!) you are proud of what you have done. And then on the other hand you look at your own work and then you look at what everyone else is doing and suddenly you feel like a complete fraud. Not to mention a failure.

Sound familiar? I feel like maybe crippling self-doubt is the default position of creatives. And by "creatives" I mean anyone who steps out into the public with something they have made: writers, artists, entrepreneurs, researchers... you name it. We all question ourselves, our abilities, our capacity, all the time but especially at the eleventh hour.

I have to fight my self-deprecating instincts as I share these illustrations with you. I hold myself up against the pantheon of talented, experienced illustrators in the children's book-publishing world and frankly I feel absurd.

Last week when Wendy said "We are finished!" and sent me a digital proof of the book, I vibrated with pride all evening. I kept looking through the images and reading them alongside her wonderful story and I felt as though together, we had created something really special.

That lasted for several hours, until I went to bed.

Then I closed my eyes and, immediately in my imagination, the whole world sat in a stadium, me alone and spotlit on a field way below, and everybody bellowed "WHO ARE YOU to think you could illustrate ANYTHING?" I am a writer, not an artist, and my sleepy self knew it. So did everybody else. "DERIVATIVE," the World shouted from the stands, "NAIVE." And "BORING" and "UNIMAGINATIVE" and "AMATEUR."

But do you know what? Get thee behind me, Naomi's Imagination World. I, like so many creative people before me and so many more to come, am going to own what I have made, and own it with pride. Wendy's prose is flawless. Her story is beautiful, and engaging, and entertaining, in all the right parts. I told it to my children for the first time a little while ago, holding up my paintings as I went along, and their simple response at the end was, "Again?"

And I am an illustrator. There, I will say it. I am a children's book illustrator, and I am lucky enough that my first book illustration project was for something as special as this beautifully-written tale of love and family and caring and joy.

I bet you are creative, too. Do you struggle to own it, trust it, believe in it? What should you be proud of today?

Mail-art from the old herbal

When I was a teenager I read this book by Mary Stewart, and became instantly fascinated by the world of herbs and the mysteries of folklore and medicine surrounding them. By day, I planted and tended a herb garden at our home. By night (by candlelight because we had no electricity) I studied reference books about herbalism. When I had a pimple, I tried pressing the petal of a calendula flower to it to make the pimple disappear (no joy). When I had a headache, I made a tincture of feverfew and drank it (it tasted so disgusting that it definitely distracted me from the headache). I found some glycerine capsules at the local pharmacy and filled them with crushed herbs to 'medicate' members of my family when they were sick. Don't worry, I was smart enough to research which herbs were safe for consumption and in what manner, before I did all this. I just wasn't smart enough to speak to an actual herbalist, who might have been a little better at achieving the health and beauty results I hoped to achieve.

My favourite two books for discovering new herbs to plant were a small-and-simple guide called "The Pocket Encyclopedia of Herbs," alongside "Complete Herbal," which was written by Nicholas Culpeper in 1653. I love the descriptions and language in Culpeper. About borage, the herb at the top of this post, for example, he said "The leaves and roots are to very good purpose used in putrid fevers to defend the heart, and to resist and to expel the poison or venom of other creatures." Also, he assigned every herb a place in the astrological charts (borage is under Jupiter), and was sometimes (unintentionally) very funny.

And it's these books that bring us (finally! I can hear you cheering!) to the point of this post.

After having a lot of fun painting antique botanical prints for my mail-art recently, I have decided to extend the theme, and paint some of my old friends from these two books. On the back of the envelope, I've shared a tiny tidbit about the herb for the recipient's reading pleasure (or not). Something like this...

ΔΔ "Venus governs it. Ladies' mantle is very proper for inflamed wounds, and to stay bleeding, vomitings, fluxes of all sorts, bruises by falls, and ruptures: and such women or maids as have over great flagging breasts, causing them to grow less and hard..." Culpeper, 1653

ΔΔ "It is a strange coincidence that the leaves can be used for wiping fingers after eating crabs, to wipe away the smell. Crabs, chrysanthemums, wine and the moon are the four autumn joys of our scholars, artists and poets." Chiang Yee, The Silent Traveller in London

ΔΔ "The name of this herb conjures up biblical images of aromatic resins and healing oils... has a strange 'masculine' fragrance -- the kind of musky scent that gives depth to perfumes." The Pocket Encyclopedia of Herbs

ΔΔ "The leaves of mallows, and the roots boiled in wine and water, or in broth with parsley or fennel roots, open the body, and are very convenient in agues, or other distempers of the body, to apply the leaves warmed to the belly." Culpeper, 1653

Antique botanical mail-art

Ever since I created the wild strawberry mail-art for my Secret Pen Pal Scavenger Hunt pen-pal, Corey, I've been majorly drawn to painting antique botanical-style mail-art. I had more fun with this series than I have had in a long time. The only problem being the photographs: it would appear that I had too much coffee the morning I took them, because some of these pictures are inexcusably blurry. I didn't even notice until I came to edit them and by that time, the letters were well on their journeys around the world, so there was no way of re-taking the photographs. Anyway if you can overlook the bad photography, here's the mail.

ps. If you'd like to see the contents of my mail to my secret pen-pal, she has created a beautiful blog-post about it here. (Oh my gosh I'm so embarrassed about that revolting black bag-of-horrors that before it left Melbourne contained pretty, pressed flowers from my garden. Note to self: don't send organics in the mail in summer).

---

ps. have you heard about my new letter-writing and mail-art e-course? 

Over four weeks, I will guide you through multiple methods of making beautiful mail-art and creative, handmade stationery; teach you the art of writing and storytelling; help you forge personal connections in your letters and find pen-pals if you want them; and share time-management tips so even the busiest people can enjoy sending and receiving letters. Register your place or find out more information right here. 

Wild strawberries

This was the outside of the mail I sent for the Secret Pen Pal Scavenger Hunt. Sadly, it hasn't arrived at its destination yet. I feel pretty bad about that. I hope it gets there very soon!